Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

I am intrigued by you. I would love to invite you over to my house for a romantic, candlelit dinner. I would wear the sheerest of aprons -- red, of course. We could cuddle on the bearskin rug in front of my fireplace. And like the "bear"skin rug, my apron will also touch "bare"skin -- yours and mine. Hmm! Soft music. Dancing flames. And us.

Come on, baby, light my fire. I'll be waiting...armed with a steak, not a stake.



On Fire







Dear On Fire



Thank you for the dinner invitation. It all sounds nice. You left out one thing, what will you give me to drink?


Adam Omega,


Vampire

Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

I am aware that your wife is a witch and can understand your desire to become warlock. If you intend to remain the most powerful and oldest vampire then I agree, measures must be taken to counter act Eve's growing awareness of her powers and abilities.

Although I am not one to say I told you so, but if you had just let the little woman pass on into the after life and not turned her into a vampire, you wouldn't be having this problem. Maybe next time you'll think above the waist instead of below. Of course I'm not one to lay blame or judge. So please do not take this as a criticism, just an observation of the facts.

Shudano Betr







My Dear Shudano Betr,

You're very clever. Did you not think I wouldn't see through your handle? Shouda known better. Indeed!! Since you appear to be sympathetic to my plight I will not take this as criticism but will answer you. You are correct in one area and one area only. I should have been more aware of the changes I wrought when I turned Eve. No matter. I do intend to remain in my position of power. Eve will strike one day with her magic and I will have a surprise for her.

Now as for my allowing Eve to go to the after life. MORTAL!! Here me well. Do not speak ill of Eve, do not think it, do not breath it or your next breath will be your last. I give you that warning as a courtesy since you understand my new quest. Now be a good little mortal and do not cause me to have to turn that warning into reality.


Adam Omega


Vampire

Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

How DO you tell if your boyfriend's a vamp? Maybe he's just goth.


Signed,

Suspicious Sue








Dear Suspicious Sue,


If it's the manner of dress that you're speaking of and no other tell tell signs your boyfriend would more than likely fall into the pretender category. To you mortals I understand you consider that goth. There are many that wish to be vamped but most have enough finesse that you'd never know and wouldn't care.


Adam Omega


Vampire

Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

I love my boyfriend, but I think something's wrong.

He is by far the hairiest man I've ever met. I'll admit that I think long hair can be sexy on a man. But, every time he combs his hair, he leaves enough hair behind to make a weave. Shaving appears to be useless since he has five o'clock shadow by 10am. So, him rocking a bald head is out of the question.

Within a week of our first date, he replaced all my silver and turquoise jewelry with gold. He said he was allergic and the silver was making him blister. Every time we go out to dinner, he always orders his steak so rare you can almost hear it moo. Which is fine for him, but I'm a vegetarian and just seeing all that bloody meat makes me want to hurl.

Now, believe it or not, I can live with all of that. He's a super nice guy, a passionate lover and makes me feel special. But my cat Fluffy has been missing for a week now and I found her collar in his pocket. Adam, is it possible my boyfriend's a werewolf and if so, what do I do?



Signed,
Howling For Love






Dear Howling for Love,


I would say your boyfriend is definitely a wolf. But you have little to fear. Some of my best friends are wolves. Though they cannot compare with a vamp when it comes to helping a woman get her groove on they are no slouches in that department. Another added benefit: they neither need nor require your blood, and given that there's only a few days out of each months when it's hard for them to control their nature it should make for an interesting relationship. Hopefully you have a strong heart, on the off chance your boyfriend goes into a shift while with you. I don't know about you but I find it hard dealing with Eve when she goes through her normal changes. Throw a shift in there and I'd have to slap her out of it. Love or not I'd have to do it. But for now I'd say throw your head back and howl on.

Adam Omega

Vampire

Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

I read of your most recent desire to become a warlock. Whether I believe in warlocks and such is irrelevant. However, I wonder, is it really necessary for you to become the second most powerful being in creation? As it is, you're already the most powerful immortal walking planet Earth. Is this overload of power really necessary? And just so you don't show up at my home when least expected, the most powerful being is of course you, Adam Omega.

Besides, what's your plans for all of this power? Are you planning World Peace? To end poverty or hunger? The abuse of the weak and innocent?








Ethical Ethel









Dear Ethical Ethel,


What I wish to do with my increased powers is none of your concern. AS to who's the most powerful being, your comment was not to my liking so I edited your words. Besides, what you said is debatable. The need for more power is my business as I've stated. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I am absolute power incarnate.

And so it is written, the first man ADAM was made a living soul; the last ADAM was made a quickening spirit. 1st Cor. 15:45

Need I say more? I will however give you something to ponder. If Eve is becoming a vampiric witch should I not also do likewise?


Adam Omega

Vampire

Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

Of course I believe in fairies. Oberon and Tatiana would have it no other way. They don't want everyone to know that they're real so they trust me to keep their secret. However, just know that I spend a solid 30 minutes daily clapping my hands just in case a fairy's on it's deathbed and needs rescuing.



Pepsodent Smile











Dear Pepsodent smile,


To use one of your mortal phrases: ROFLMBO. Thank you. One request: A small nick that brings blood to the surface would be welcomed by any vampire that might be in the area and in need of a quick snack.


Adam Omega


Vampire

Dear Adam

Dear Displeased Vampire,



Yes, I have lost my mind, I have finally come to my senses. I Beg you to forgive me, don't take your love away. I will be your most willing and humble servant for the remainder of my days. Please accept my apologies. I forgot that you are Adam Omega, Vampire. My mind is so filled with thoughts of you and my love so deep that I forgot my place. I promise if you will continue to visit me I will never forget again. As for that promise of pain the next time you visit. Sounds interesting.



So Crushed








My Dear So Crushed,


You have begged admirably and have been properly chastised. Though I received your letter a day ago I still felt that you needed more of a lesson. Your groveling however has given you a reprisal and your anticipation of the pain I will inflict on you interest me. There is hope for you yet mortal. Wait patiently and reverently for My return.

Adam Omega,

Somewhat appeased VAMPIRE!

Dear Adam

Dear Adam

It's bad enough I have to share you with your beloved Eve. But now I find out that not only do you visit me in the wee hours of the night, you also have been seeing another. I thought it was my imagination when I smelled snack cake on your breath, but now I see it's that little @#$%.

Really, Adam how could you!! And where do find the energy?

Crushed










Dear Crushed,


Woman have you lost your DAMN mind? Who the hell do you think you're dealing with? You will never again attempt to tell me who to visit and when. You will have to beg me to return to your bed. If you know what's good for you you will find a way to appease me and do it quickly or else my next visit to you will not be filled with pleasure but pain.

As for where I get my energy; you have forgotten who I am haven't you? I am Adam Omega. Vampire. How could I, you ask. I can because I am Adam. Does that answer your question? I expect SINCERE GROVELING for your insolent behavior and I expect it immediately. You will never attempt to scold me again. I have been too lenient with you. That will soon change.

Adam Omega

Displeased Vampire

Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

IS the tooth fairy really a vampire who's secretly defanging other vampires. I've heard that that's why she waits until everyone's asleep to take their teeth.





Pepsodent Smile








Dear Pepsodent Smile,


I want you to ponder the question that you asked me. Do you seriously believe in the tooth fairy? For now I will not tell you whether this being exist or not. There are more things in Heaven and Hell that man and woman has never dreamt of.

Now for the bigger issue: If there were one strong enough to defang vampires whom do you think it would be? If that being were a woman it could be none other than Eve for she has a modicum of my strength and she has my blood. But Eve remains too civilized to do such a thing. And I have no use to gather the fangs of vampires. I would yank them out because they piss me off or because I was bored and had nothing better to do. But here me and here me well I would never do the deed while a vamp slept. What would be the fun in that?

So back to my original question to you. Do you believe in faeries?

Adam Omega

Vampire

Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

Why do you torment me so?

I do my best to show you the reverence due you. I tell you how sexy you are and tell others to fear you. Why must you torment me by coming to me in the wee small hours of the morning when I'm minding my business and need my rest?





Little Debbie




My Darling Little Debbie,


You misunderstand my love. I do not come to you to torment you but because I love you. True, it is not the love I have for Eve, but it is love nonetheless. Your blood has a quality that I admire. It is sweet yet there is fire in it. Besides, Little Debbie I come to you in the wee hours of the night becasue you call out to me. I hear you and I answer. As a matter of fact Eve heard your call and asked about you. I told her the truth that you give me what she will not.

Love,

Adam Omega

Vampire