Thursday, January 3, 2008

Dear Adam,

I am an old woman. I long to be young. I've heard that drinking vampire blood is like having a drink from the Fountain of Youth. Is this true? Or don't you share your blood.



What you believe is indeed true. A vampire's blood is the font of eternal live. One drink from this fountain and you would again be young and vibrant.But alas, you're right a second time.

I do not share my blood with any besides my wife.

Perhaps there are other things I can give you. I can give you dreams of youth, nights of passion. I can make it so that when you look in your mirror you will see the face that looked back on you from your youth. Would you like that my dear, Victoria?


Dear Adam:

I have a question about sex. My boyfriend wants to do it in a casket at midnight under a full moon. The trouble is he wants the casket closed, and I want it open. Which is best?

Thanks for writing "Ask Adam." I wouldn't know who else to ask. Can you help us?



My dear what games are you playing with your lover? I do not brag. There is no need. I am Adam Omega and I am without a doubt A GREAT LOVER!! That said, I would never make love to a woman in a coffin, closed or otherwise. What nonsense. A woman's body should be laid on a bed of pure silk. And I don't mean that crap that undertakers tell the family the coffins are covered in.

No I mean real silk. A woman should feel free when making love. How could you when you're enclosed in a tiny container. You need room to allow your legs to wrap around your lover's body, for him to travel up and down yours pausing at his leisure to place kisses on your satin flesh, to nibble you and make you scream with the wanting, to touch you and make you...

Are you with me? If your lover can't find such accommodations for you allow me to show you the way to heaven. Eve has no objections to such mattings.


Dear Adam,

I really need your help. Someone is stalking me. At night whenever I look out my window, I see him in the shadows of the streetlights. He's always looking up toward me. What will he do next, and will I enjoy it?

Loveless in Seattle

Dear Loveless in Seattle,

I can see all things when I chose to. With you I decided that it was necessary. The man who stalks you will not do pleasant things to you. If you wish to feel perverted pleasure from being stalked then lets do this in a safe manner.

Tonight at precisely 10 P.M I want you to go to your bedroom window and disrobe. I want you to play the song, "Come to me" by Adam and then wait.

You will feel shivers chase across your flesh. You will feel my breath hot against your throat and you will wonder. You will be afraid as you should be. But tomorrow you wil yet live.


Dear Adam,

I want a baby vampire. Do you know of any sperm bank where I can get one?

Thank you.


My Dear Sweet Delusional Joan,

If a baby is what you desire you may as well have a human one. They will both suck the life blood from you.


Dear wonderful Adam,

I love you. How can I get a date with you? You are my ideal man. So strong...handsome...and yummy. I can be "yummy" too. Try a bite.

Love, Rose


You're my kind of woman. Thank you for the invitation. I will accept. And might I add you have exquisite taste. I am indeed the idea man and should be immolated. You have chosen wisely. I will take that bite sooner than you think.


Dear Adam,

You have been around for so long, and I know you have seen all the great lovers throughout the centuries, but I think I have the greatest love story of all.

Vector loves me more than life. He told me that if I were dead and bloodless he would love me even more. Such devotion! He loves to nip at my neck just to have a tiny sip of my blood. Clearly no man has ever loved a woman more. Do you agree?

My question is will I need a transfusion soon?


Scarlett, Darling,

Your lover has a problem. Dead is dead. He may well love you more but remember this. You won't know it for you will no longer be alive.

You will not need a transfusion you will need a coffin.


Dear Adam,

If I could only meet my ideal lover, which is you, I'd be happy. I know that's not possible because you love Eve so much.

However, my girlfriend told me that if I go to the cemetery late at night, I might meet a man like you. She told me to wear a black cloak and hold up a "steak," so he'd know I had no bad intentions toward him.

Is she teasing me? She swears she isn't.

Just wondering and hoping.

Dear Just Wondering,

Your girlfriend is partially correct. But you will also need a bottle of wine, baked potatoes and a salad. Then a nice cozy bed would be an added bonus.


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